Georgia State announced the launch of a new online store on Monday to sell branded merchandise.
While there are lots of things that can be bought, here are a few that were missing:Ron Hunter rolling chair: Need something you can sit on to watch your child’s sporting event? Buy this model of the rolling chair made famous by men’s basketball coach Ron Hunter in the 2014-15 NCAA tournament. Just $99.95. (Doesn’t come with an ability to hit a 30-foot 3-point shot). Nick Arbuckle’s really big shirt: Are you like me and not follow the fashion trends of wearing skin-tight sportswear? Then you need this really big T-shirt similar to the one worn by quarterback Nick Arbuckle during Georgia State’s 2015 football season. Just $49.95. (Doesn’t come with an ability to throw for more than 4,000 yards). Shares in Turner Field: Just $300 million. What more needs to be said?
Ari Werts’ dance lessons: Let Georgia State tight end Ari Werts teach you the Jug Walk for just $6 per hour. (Doesn’t come with an ability to catch passes).
Penny Hart Dunking machine: With the Penny Hart dunking machine you can perform your own aerial highlights for just $79.99. (Doesn’t come with an actual ability to dunk, or catch passes).
Trent Miles’ scouting reports: How do you take players that didn’t receive any other FBS offers and turn them into all-conference performers? Buy the Miles’ scouting reports and you too can do it. (Disclaimer: You can’t actually do it).
Guide to getting out of the Sun Belt: This manual features advice from some Panthers’ supporters on how the the athletics department can get out of the Sun Belt conference and join any other conference. (Note: the grass may not be greener on the other side).
Special one-day only sale:
Cliche’ decoder ring: This ring, on sale for today only, will take the cliches said by any coach/player/general manager at any university or any team in any part of the world and turn those quips into usable quotes with illuminating information. Price: Priceless.
Send your ideas for more of the missing items my way at firstname.lastname@example.org